DISCLAIMER: These are just my opinions. If it seems like I'm complaining, get over it. It's my blog.
There will be meltdowns.
Not just your average "I'm upset" crankiness, but meltdowns of epic proportions. Over the smallest of things. Oh, sure, they start out funny enough - crying at the end of Die Hard 2 when you're in the first trimester - but by the third trimester its full blown sobbing in public because someone cut you off at Starbucks.
Every woman is going to tell you "I loved being pregnant!"
These women are full of crap. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't hate being pregnant, but I certainly wouldn't choose it as a permanent state of being. Queasiness, puking, hemmorhoids, blood
You will get so sick of the question "are you excited?"
Seriously. What else would I be?? Excuse me for not being that woman who walks around announcing the forthcoming birth of my child to every person I know - I thought the round belly and epic meltdown that just happened as you cut me off in line for coffee would have shown my excitement.
You will crave that which you cannot have.
Beer. Seriously the only craving I've had. And not Coors Light either. I'm talking REAL beer - Red Stripe, Mac & Jacks, Henry's. Excuse me while I find something to wipe the drool off the keyboard....
There will be a "belly rubbing" situation.
It will come when you least expect it, and more often than not, lead to the epic meltdown. The key to avoiding the belly rub is to have a well trained wingman who sees it coming and has perfected the art of running interference. It usually only takes about one meltdown for the wingman to figure it out. He'd rather run interference than run for another box of Kleenex.
Buddha sat that way for a reason.
As we speak my belly is resting dangerously close to the space bar. I would also bet that Buddha wore sandals because even if running shoes were an option, he wouldn't have been able to bend over and tie them anyways. Welcome to my world.
Gaining 100 lbs. is somewhat optional.
I say "somewhat" because you will gain weight, that's the way it works. However, you don't have to be the girl on the couch every morning with the extra large Cinnabon with extra frosting. But, if that's your style, go for it. More power to you. I personally chose to go the route of homemade cookies, cake and ice cream which has resulted in 30 extra pounds. No regrets. Also, it is inevitable that those few weeks where your morning sickness is the worst, the worst food sounds the best. There was a week where I lived off of nothing but McDonalds, grilled cheese and Doritos.
Just because you're "supposed" to do things a certain way doesn't mean you have to.
Child birthing classes?? Um, not for us, thankyouverymuch. We prefer the book reading method. I don't need to watch another woman squeeze a bowling ball out of her keyhole to know that it's going to hurt. Graphic, sorry.
Current lesson: the last 5 weeks are the longest.
"Enjoy it", "such a special time". These people have obviously either forgotten or never experienced having feet in one side of your ribcage, a butt in the other, and an arm trying to escape from your vajayjay all at the same time.
So, here's to the last 4 1/2 weeks (raising glass of non-alcoholic beverage while flinching at yet another Braxton Hicks contraction). Let's hope they pass quickly.
